Your Dreams Crushed

Anonymous asked: Hello. I feel that I have a bit of a developing problem that I've noticed is being repeated in recent months. I feel that the only people I have ever/currently let myself fall for are the people closest around me: My closest friends. I am 19 years old, it happened with my best friend a little over a year ago, and it's currently happening with another close friend of mine now. Two in a row is really making me feel uneasy, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. :/

The Greeks have four different words for four different kinds of love. There’s “agapi” for unconditional, true love; there’s “eros” for passionate, sensual love; there’s “philia” for love that is loyal, as in friendship, and lastly, there’s “storge” for feeling naturally affectionate towards someone, such as your child or sibling.

In English, we only have that one word: “love”, and how loaded a word it is indeed. Far too loaded and full of far too many definitions and meanings for it to exist within four letters, I feel.

The point is this: There’s a difference between loving somebody as a friend, and loving somebody as a partner. You just haven’t figured it out yet.

There was a time when I would periodically fall for the people I was friend with for a short while - because they were new, interesting, beautiful people - until I gradually fell out of that kind of affection. It’s really not that big of a deal.

You might have some really beautiful friends. You might be surrounded by intelligent, amazing people. But don’t confuse sensual affection for friendly affection, and if you’re actually actively trying to fuck this pal of yours, you need a crash course in boundaries and keeping your shit on lock, sister.

Either way, don’t stress. Carry on. You’re privileged enough to be surrounded by people that tick your boxes, but that shouldn’t suggest they’re the people you’re going to marry.

That would be nice, though. Damn you, societal standards! I have so many friends that I’d love to get with.

Anonymous asked: so basically ... i 'accidently' slepted with a co-worker after a work function, he didn't show up to work on monday and we both said we wouldn't make it awkward, i have been geniunly sick this week, do you think it would blow over by next monday or how should i play it at work?

Drunk sex with a co-worker. Classic. They’ve got entire television plot-lines based on this shit.

Don’t even pretend it’s going to just “blow over”. Don’t act like it didn’t happen. Don’t hide in your office and squeak when he comes near.

Sit him down. Talk it over. Let it burn until the issue’s cooked. 

It happened. You breached the invisible boundary between the professional and the personal, and now you’ve got to deal with that.

For the next little while it’ll sting a tad when he drops references to it. You might not speak to each other so openly for a little while, but that’ll change. In a few months’ time it’ll have become a joke that you’ll laugh at despite pangs of awkwardness. In another few months, those pangs might be gone.

Or maybe you’ll fuck him again and you’ll sever that professionalism streak even more than you already have. Maybe it’ll become a casual and controversial “thing” of yours and his. Who knows?

Just take some responsibility for your actions and don’t act like nothing happened. Even you can see right through that shit.

Anonymous asked: So, I'm into really rough sex (like bruises, hair pulling, spanking, the guy taking charge) but not totally kinky whips and chains shit. However, no matter how many times I explain to my boyfriend what I like.... he just doesn't follow through with it. I've told him I don't see it as disrespectful etc. as long as it stays in the bedroom. I've tried compromising and doing things that he enjoys hoping he might return the favour, but no such luck... any tips on how to warm him to it?

Damn, he won’t even try for your sake? That’s got to suck.

Maybe you should take the active approach, and instead of sitting him down with an Earl Grey and a smile, you should wait until he’s literally fucking you from behind before you decide to shout out “Hit me! Just fucking hit me!” - Be authoritative. Don’t let that bastard slack off. Make him want to hit you in a sexy kinda way, or at the very least feel that if he doesn’t, you’re going to beat him to kingdom come. Literally.

It might freak him out if ill-timed at first, but there’s more of a chance he’ll go ahead and do it that way. Don’t be so passive.

Otherwise, you might have to settle for plain ol’ missionary. At least until he grows the cojones enough to know that if his woman wants it a certain way, he damn well better do it if he wants glorious morning blowjobs.

Anonymous asked: So I'm not overly attractive or intelligent; I also suffer from crippling social anxiety, meaning I often come across as a mix between rude, boring and socially retarded. The only thing I had going for me was that once you got to know me, I was a fucking good friend. But I fucked a friend over in a very big way recently. We worked it out, but I can't take it back. My loyalty as a friend was all I had . I feel like I'm not even a person any more. I have nothing to offer. I need help, man.

Oh, sweetie.

Every time you hear that voice; that little nagging whisper in the back of your mind. That tiny little resounding bit of doubt about yourself, echoing over and over in your head like grim church bells in the heart of Notre Dame: just shut it out.

Shut that little voice out. Don’t let it permeate even a fragment of your psyche. Don’t allow yourself to cave to the self-destructive thoughts so cruelly piercing your heart.

Because you deserve to be loved. You do.

You may think that your loyalty as a friend was all that you had, but you’re wrong. You’re so delightfully wrong. And even so, you value the people around you and those that you love with a burning passion and ferocity. That in itself is stunning and beautiful. You’re the loveliest kind of person.

Relax; stop and smell the roses. Let the anguish you feel fade away like dust into the air. If you really feel like you need it, go and see a counsellor. If you couple it with a mental health plan - I’m not going to make assumptions about your mental state; it’s merely a suggestion - you can get it for cheap, cheap, cheap. Talk about it. Do not for a second resign yourself to self-loathing. You do not deserve to feel this way.

Love yourself. You deserve to.

Just love.

Anonymous asked: There's this guy that I used to be really good friends with, but we started fighting a while ago and I don't want him in my life any more. However, he has managed to include himself in all of my social groups and it's impossible to avoid him. I'm not in a position to pack up and move, or to meet new people since he always seems to meet them first. How do I get him out of my life?

And here we have a little brat who would rather ostracise someone completely than actually try and work around an awkward social dispute.

Listen, bitch. I’m going to give you the serve that your parents didn’t give you when you were ten years old:

You don’t get to dictate who this person can associate with. You are not that special. You don’t get the luxury of kicking him out of your life. The world does not revolve around you. That’s so fucking high school that it makes me nauseous.

If you think you’re taking “the high road” by trying to “cut him out” all because you fell out once upon a time; you’ve got a lot of growing up to do.

We all have to deal with people that we don’t want to - some of us on a regular basis - whether they are ex-friends, ex-lovers, employers or co-workers. Stop sooking like a seventh grader and have some respect for the people around you. You can choose not to talk to him or even look at him when you see him in the schoolyard, but you certainly don’t have the right or power to get him expelled. Your life does not have priority over his, and it’s a little fucked up and juvenile that you’d think it does, even for a split-ended second. 

Or alternatively you can make a scene and demand he get the hell out of your friendship circle and find a new clique. Your friends deserve to know how childish and batshit you are. 

Feel free to write back to me when he’s made death threats, sabotaged your working environment or beaten up a member of your family for no good reason with no apparent guilt. Then I’ll instruct you on how to separate yourself from a sociopath. 

The world does not revolve around your pretty little head.

Anonymous asked: Hey man. Im a guy who is a DJ and does it well, weekly, at clubs and mobile. I produce music too, and it is my dream to be living of these things. My lifelong dream of becoming a soldier, a sergent or officer is here too. Theres just one catch. Some weeks ago, the doctor told me i had an ear-damage, which makes both the DJ dream, and the soldier dream a no-go. He said that in 10 seconds. What. The. Fuck. What can i do now? What the fuck in this world is there left to do??? Speechless.

Damn, dude. I’m sorry to hear that, and I’m sorry that the world has dealt you such shitty cards lately.

If there’s one alleviation that I can offer from what must be a deep fucking cavern of woe you’re feeling right now, it’s this: You’re going to be okay.

I know. Classic, isn’t it? But it’s true.

Take however long you need to process the reality of what you’ve just been told. Mope around. Dig yourself a hole to lie in for a little while. Cry. Sounds like you need it.

When you’re done, though, pull back and gain some perspective. It’s no use me telling you “But think of the orphaned starving children” to guilt-trip you into getting over it, because quite frankly, that shit isn’t helpful. What I can lend on that note, though: is that people’s dreams have been crushed before.

People have been battered down into the ground - and gotten up again. People have been rejected and told ‘no’, so often that it made their head spin. Though many lost sight of their dreams, and they came out of the tunnel on the other side different people, one thing is for sure: They still lived on.

It might feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath you, but you’re going to get up again. You’ve got to. Your life isn’t over, and you’ve got so much more to do, so find a way to see this terrible time through til its end. 

I guarantee you that this will all look like a small bump in the road a few years down the track. You’ll find a way to be, even if it’s not what you originally intended. You’ll have a new way of looking at the world - not necessarily a pessimistic outlook, but one free from the sparkly veil of idealistic fantasy.

Not to suggest that dreams are bad, though. Dreams are a grounding necessity in a world full of directionless millennials and countless superficialities. Keep a dream in your pocket and a song in your heart. It’s about chasing realistic goals, and waking up to reality - then running with it, no matter what your first-world circumstance.

I understand the woe of being told by a serious yet well-meaning voice that you’ll never make it, and that you’ll never be able to do the things you want to do. I also know that allowing dread and pain to swallow you whole, is time wasted allowing these tragic realisations to let you grow.

“Sacrificing your dreams at the altar of reality” (as The Coquette says) is a rite of passage for any well-meaning idealistic millennial.

I can’t tell you how to cope. I can only tell you that you’re going to be okay, no matter how dark the road looks right now. Behind every black and rumbling cloud is an effervescent sunshine, and no one path is the right one.

When the cruel real world crushes your dreams, you can either keep fighting for them - or you can build new ones. 

Anonymous asked: i've established a few friends at uni this semester, however i've just found out one of them is a massive stoner, got kicked out of school for dealing etc. but is a lovely person nonetheless. not sure what i'm getting myself into here? i've never really associated with people like him. my stance on drugs is fairly neutral but i'm easily influenced which worries me. as naive as i sound i've just been stuck in my good little private school student bubble all my life, halp!

I know exactly what kind of a person you are. You go out to a club; someone offers you drugs, and you feel violated. You’d go out to a place like Pony, and not even see it all happening right before your eyes. You could see someone snorting something off of a table, and what had just happened wouldn’t even register. 

It’s fine that you’re nervous. Welcome to life outside the bubble.

Now that you’re here, you may as well get cosy with a nice little idea that relates ever so perfectly to your friendship with this man: There are worse things than him wanting to get stuck into a bong or five - and inversely, there are also worse things than you not wanting to get stuck into a bong or five.

You’ve just exited the bubble, so this must be a bit of a culture shock for you, but regardless, it’s time for a little tough lovin’: The drug scene isn’t what you think it is, and just because he used to be a stoner and a felon, doesn’t mean he’s going to introduce you to a wild world of sex, drugs and gang bashings that you’ve previously denied ever existed out of nothing but fear. 

What do you think is going to happen? You and him will go out for coffee, you’ll roll up to a café, sit down, you’ll order some drinks, and he’ll roll out the injecting needle…

I understand that it’s a world you haven’t been exposed to in the past, but that shit ain’t realistic. It’s not your fault: It’s your parents fault. You don’t know any different. You never learned how to handle people like this man, and that’s why it makes you so uncomfortable: because it’s a new and scary thing that previously you’d never seen in person.

It’s quite possible for you and the drug-addled youth to go in and out and float about amongst each other without the need for some kind of discriminatory value system based on ones preference towards recreational activities, and if you’re at his house one night with him and his friends, and he rips out the bong for his own smoking pleasure, don’t kick up a fuss and start shouting disrespect.

Just leave the fucking room. You’ll only end up sounding like a naive seventh grader who takes issue with his seventh grader friends smoking a cigarette behind the shed that they found on the floor.

“No, you guys, don’t! Oh my god, don’t! That’s so bad for you, oh my goood! Dooon’t!” 

I guarantee you: they will not give a fuck.

Relax. Provided he doesn’t start asking you to take oregano-scented paper bags down to strange pierced men in tattoo parlours in exchange for money, and provided his friends don’t start rudely shoving drugs in your face, then you have nothing to worry about.

On the other hand, he could very well be a recovering felon and drug abuser, and you can count yourself lucky. The way you rationalise it is this: He’s done it. He knows more than 50% of people already, because he’s been there. Secondly, he’s come out of it all half-dead and despising the shit. If you’re going to go out and associate with anyone, you’re probably safest with the redeemer who hates drugs, who has the street smarts and knows how to handle himself out in the world.

If you want to take drugs, then take drugs. If you don’t want to, then don’t. It’s not a big fucking deal. Stop fearing the real world, don’t succumb to peer pressure, and get cosy in the notion that there are all kinds of people out there, and you’re going to meet people with bigger problems than some kid who enjoys getting stuck into a bong or five. 

“Why are there so many ear-buds and bottles of Ajax everwhere?”

“Actually: those are to clean the crack pipes.”

Anonymous asked: Hello! Re: Grindr + fuck-buddies. It's been 2 months since I asked that question. I'm still seeing the same man. He's turned out to be lots of fun, good to hang with. I'm starting to believe there's something more. He took me to the movies the other week and we text ALL the time. I've become more active on Grindr and have met up with two people in this time. One very different, good experience, and one bad. I'm starting to feel l only want to play with this one man, + Grindr's feels weird now.

I’m glad you actually took the time to get to know him as opposed to mindlessly fluttering on down into his rape dungeon. “So, uh, the seven-foot-tall big ‘X’ in the corner made out of wood and rubber: I’m assuming that’s not quite ornamental?”

Grindr can get a tad strange, as can all risque forms of social media. A friend of mine recently informed me that he was propositioned by a man on Grindr, for money, who referred to himself as a “human toilet”. I nearly threw up just from hearing about it, which is ironic, because that’s probably exactly what he was into.

If it’s starting to feel weird, give it a break, or just delete the thing if it’s savagely affecting your ego and all kinds of feelings of shame are popping out. There’s nothing wrong with having a Grindr account, just like there’s nothing wrong with flirting around on OKCupid. Of course, though, know what you’re doing, and know what you’re getting yourself into. 

As long as you understand how to play safely, and the difference between appropriate and inappropriate van-hopping, you’ll be a-okay.

Cheers on finding a guy through Grindr who actually ticks several of your boxes, by the way. Grindr isn’t exactly renowned for being a prime dating tool. It’s actually remarkable how many Melbourne-known reputably-heterosexual men there are on Grindr, flirting around for some cock.

It’s quite frankly a step up from Craigslist, but at least you found something worthwhile, whether fleeting or otherwise.

Anonymous asked: I want to be your friend :D

You have terrible taste in people.

Anonymous asked: my partner and i are going through the worst patch in our relationship to date and i feel that we are walking on very thin ice. i don't want to see the end of our relationship, but i fear that's what it will come to. my question to you is what on earth do i do to make it work? i don't think our hard-work or love for each other will pull us out of this patch. so where do we go now? do i walk away or do i stay?

You could run off and fuck somebody new? Or alternatively, you could pop a Xanax and hope it’ll numb the ache you’re feeling.

Sorry, it’s Inappropriate Response Hour, aka 5:30 in the morning.

Look. There’s no point running from a feeling you just can’t shake. Sure, every relationship has its’ ups and downs, but if you’re spending more time throwing plates than you are setting tables, it’s time to call it a day. 

It’s a tough truth, but this is what they call a relationship that “isn’t working”. Your shit’s too tense. Don’t torture your soul any more than you already have. Let it out. Let it go.

You love the guy. That’s fine. You can love him all you want - but you do not want to deal with chaos and instability in your relationship for longer than you have to. 

There is nothing wrong with throwing in the towel when sticking around is making you too tired. 

Also, quit painting small portraits in your mind of what your ideal relationship is. You didn’t say it, but I’ve got a damn good hunch that says you were the type of girl to fantasise about princes on white steeds and about fairytale weddings. There is no prince charming coming to sweep you off your feet, just the same as there is no perfect person out there for you, or perfect foie gras. Love should not be like fireworks all of the time - those are butterflies and whirlwinds; appetizers to relationships. Love should be warmth, dependability, stability and contentedness. 

Your little fascination with romantic comedy plot-lines might seem charmingly naive at first, but they can lead to a pattern of bad relationships wherein you date assholes who could not give more of a fuck if they tried, who know all the right lines to pull on you when it seems like you’re slipping away. Those fireworks might feel great at first, but they will fizzle out, and soon you’ll be a bored date-hopper, frog-jumping your way through all the boys at your local bars and clubs; hanging out for that heroin high of temporary romantic bliss.

You’ve already broken up with him in your head multiple times. End it, and like I said: stop torturing your soul any more than you already have. Learn to handle your relationship crises maturely and sensibly without starting a fire, but more importantly, learn to know when it’s time to put an end to it. Sticking around in a relationship that is leaving you bitter and frustrated more often than it is leaving you happy and satisfied is toxic to your emotions.

There is no one true love. That’s kids’ stuff. There are thousands. Remember that.

Anonymous asked: My mate won't stop taking meth. It's fucking up their friendships with everyone around them. They've almost lost it all pretty much but they can't see it. I'm so angry and upset and irrational about this and it's clouding my vision of everything. Just tell me straight. Give me the facts. What the fuck do I do about them?

You want the facts? Alright, bitch. Saddle in, because I’m giving it to you straight.

Meth is a fucking deadly chemical, and your friend has a huge fucking problem. Meth is not healthy, meth is never ‘casual’, and no matter what some tweaked-out no-hoper at Tramp nightclub on a Sunday morning might tell you; meth is no fun. Take that shit once and you’ve already altered the way your brain works. It’s that kind of soul-sucking bubbly.

Now, I’m guessing by “fucking up their friendships” you mean that your friend has already started prioritising meth over their own friends, and probably their family, too. They’re probably the talk of your friendship circle, and you’re all sitting around feeling powerless and unable to do a thing for your once-loved pal. That’s where the upset irrationality is biting you. That’s why you’re so damn clouded.

I’m sorry to say it, pal, but there’s probably nothing you can do.

That crackhead will continue to ingest all of his or her unhealthy chemicals with all of his or her fucked-up no-hoper friends, and not a goddamn thing you say or do will change their mind for them. If she’s comfortable in his/her daily meth-taking on his/her little sofa-bed on the wrong side of Croydon; you give her an ultimatum, and s/he will choose meth over you. Promise. 

It has to be their own personal, conscious decision, to get their ass to a rehabilitation clinic - they have to want to stay - and if they’re not keen on doing that, or you’re not keen on staging a full-blown intervention at the risk of losing your friendship, then well… I suggest you should start compiling those good memories you once had.

I know I’m sounding horrifyingly harsh by saying all of this, but if you’ve never lost a friend to meth, then you can’t begin to understand how damn painful and seemingly hopeless the whole experience of dealing with a hardcore drug addict really is. Even if they do make it out to a point where they can semi-function under the pressure of a nagging addiction, by that stage most friendships tend to falter under the grind of being in proximity to that shit. 

It’s not your job to be a caretaker to an ailing friend who is dying of nothing other than poor life choices. The slight chance that they’ll come out even a little bit okay isn’t worth the gouge and claw marks it’ll all leave on your soul.

If you can’t smell the doom and gloom on the air when it comes to that friend of yours, then you’re kidding yourself. It’s a sad day when you have to say you ‘lost’ someone who isn’t even dead yet. 

These are my opinions, anyway, fuelled by years of losing friends to drug-related deaths, both all at once and gradually over time. You’re going to do what you feel is right, whether it’s out of passion or logic. All I can say, is there’s nothing wrong with backing out. Decisions have been made, and at the end of the day, there’s not too much that you can do.

Good luck. 

DearCoquette.com

Anonymous asked: this guy sees me as just a fuck buddy, how do i make him see me as something more or even as just as a friend so sick of being this guys booty call.

When a guy’s got you on speed dial for a quick fuck-and-run, and you want to downgrade the situation because you’re not a fan of having your pussy plowed weekly, the best thing to do is to tell the guy you’re not a fan and then say “Good day to you, sir” - before skipping off into the night.

If he can’t handle what you’ve got to say, then cut the fucker out of your life. He’s clearly under the impression you’re an “A”-grade shameless booty call, and that manskank clearly ain’t worth your salt.

Keep in mind he’ll probably get angry and tell all of his friends that you were a shit lay, or tell them that you’ve got a nasty case of herpes. That comes with the territory when it comes to emotionally immature boys who think with their dicks.

You should probably one-up him by informing all of your relevant lady-friends that he’s got a case of gonorrhoea that he’s not keen on getting fixed. In sassy cocktail bar girl-talk, of course; not childish gossip-mongering. Don’t go spreading shit if you don’t know how to avoid getting any on you.

Seriously, though:

If you don’t want him to treat you like a cum-dumpster, then stop acting like one. Not that you were, but still; if you keep running back and jumping his bones at early hours of the morning, you’re not telling him you that want it to end, and you’re certainly not asserting yourself as being a strong, independent woman who can actually say no. Tell him you want out, and then let that be all. If he gets agitated, cut him out of your life. Easy.

He’ll have a new girl on his dick by the end of the week, anyway.

Oh, and: I can’t tell you whether or not he’d want to date you at this point, nor can I tell you that he’d want “something more” - but I personally wouldn’t bother trying to turn the tables on him and get all “romance” on his ass. I can say, though, that if he saw you as something more than a fuck-buddy for Sunday morning sessions, he would have let you know a little while ago. 

Anonymous asked: First off, I enjoy your style of writing. Now to the advice. I attend to various night clubs on a weekly basis, and I have made friends there, enough to be known as a regular. Being attractive enough to hook up every week, whilst drunk, I feel guilt & shame because, for example; I have crush on two people at the same time, both are there at the same night and I do not know what exactly to do, yet I crave for my regular dose of sex. What would you do? Going some where else doesn't suffice though.

If you’re looking for a “regular dose of sex”, you could always get a little sophisticated and hit up one of Melbourne’s various brothels - however, you probably couldn’t afford it, seeing as it’d obviously get between you and your weekly smirnoff-double-black binge. 

Either way, you’re probably not all that sophisticated, if you’re openly referring to yourself as a “nightclub regular” and are pondering over which bitch to “hook up” with when you’re at your weekly haunt. Melbourne’s nightclubs aren’t exactly teeming with mafioso, pal, nor are we big on celebrity culture. This isn’t Los Angeles. You can pay five bucks entry to hear some amazing bands in Melbourne - that’s one of the many reasons why I fucking love this place - but you sure as hell won’t bump into Lindsay Lohan or a coked-up Paris Hilton on your big nights out, nor will you get to entertain some high-rolling drug lords throwing around bottles of expensive tequila.

You’re probably just another egocentric weekender in a button-up tee, ordering clueless eighteen-year-olds three-dollar shots in the hope that you’ll wind up getting them drunk enough to take home with you to your inner-city sharehouse. Don’t wake up the housemates, pal. Eh, scratch that; you’ll probably turn on some Miike Snow to sweeten up the foreplay anyway.

Whatever. That’s not what you were asking. You want to know what I’d do? Alright, pal. I’ll tell you.

Stop pretending these women actually give a shit about you.

Yeah, you heard that right. Stop thinking they’re an easy score, and all you have to do is snap your fingers and one of them will come flying your way, arms outstretched and eyes alight with lust. 

If you really like these girls, make up your fucking mind, toughen the fuck up and ask one of them out on a date. Get uncomfortable. Get out of your precious nighttime comfort zone. Hell, better yet: get vulnerable. 

Because really, by parading around with your dick out at an inner-city club, waiting for one of these sorry ladies to hop on it, all you’re doing is showing her that you’re just another twit frolicking the club scene, with nary a small trace of genuine character or integrity to be found. You’re just another club-rat chump out with your promoter friends - unless you show her you’re more than that.

And yes, people will judge you as so unless you prove them wrong. People have an incredibly unfriendly tendency to brand you with a label such as ‘club rat’ on short notice unless you provide them a different personal experience. 

Unless you pull your head out of your ass and give a girl a genuine experience, she’s not going to see you as anything other than that club regular she banged a few times. That’s what she’ll tell all her friends, and sooner or later your dick will be as dry as a doorknob on a hot summers day. 

If you can’t do that, I’d just save up and go to a brothel. You won’t have to show them anything about you other than the three hundred in your wallet for them to give you a sensual good time.

Oh, and: emotions are scary, aren’t they? Yeah, I know, I know. It’s okay, though. You’re not fooling me, and let me promise you one thing:  you’re not coming out of this life undamaged or untouched. Your heart’s bound to break a few more times. It’s okay, though. You’ll be fine. 

Let her in. She’ll respect you for it, and that’s worth more and means more than a quick fuck or one-night-stand will ever mean.

Sometimes I read some of my own responses on here and think, ‘Who the fuck do I think I am?’